


Too Beautiful for Earth

by Sapphire_Tornado



Series: The Angel Arms [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Child Death, Depression, M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:48:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphire_Tornado/pseuds/Sapphire_Tornado
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean goes to get some coffee after being with Bobby at the hospital for a while, but he collapses in the coffee shop. This leads to a saddening and angelic hospital stay for Dean. Post 7x10</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Beautiful for Earth

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before the eleventh episode aired, which is why it may seem a bit rushed, and it was initially posted on fanfiction. To me the end seems pretty rushed but that was mostly because I had to get it posted before the episode aired.

 ()()()

_An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,_

_Then whispered as she closed the book,_

_"Too beautiful for Earth"_

()()()

Dean stood by Sam's side as the doctor's were surrounded Bobby trying to resuscitate him. Nothing seemed to be happening. That was until the heart monitor started up again. The doctors looked at each other in surprise. Bobby did not wake but the consistent beep of the monitor saying that he was alive was enough for the brother's at the time.

"He needs to learn how to care for himself better." came a voice from behind the Winchester's

"What?" Dean asked as he turned around and came face to face with Crowley. "Why are you here?" he asked gruffly as a sharp pain went through his back

Crowley looked at Dean with almost concern before looking into the room that Bobby was in again. "Be thankful Winchester, I chased that reaper off but it won't be long before another is coming for him."

"You did that?" Sam asked surprised

"Yeah, and now I need to go have a lovely little chat with Death." Crowley said sarcastically before he vanished

"What the hell?" Dean asked looking at Sam. All the response he got was a shrug. Dean shook his head and went to go sit in the waiting area. After he had sat down Dean allowed himself some time to just think. He watched Sam walk over toward the seat next to him before his head cradled in his hands.

When Dean lifted his head one of the doctor's was walking towards them. He was updating them on Bobby's condition now, probably trying to get his organs again. Dean couldn't seem to focus on anything but the wall. He didn't even notice when the doctor walked away and he only pulled himself out of his reverie when Sam tapped him on his shoulder.

"Huh? What?" Dean muttered looking at his younger brother

"Did you hear any of what the doctor said Dean?" Sam asked in an annoyed voice as he ran a hand tiredly through his hair

"No" Dean said trying to ignore the ache in his back. He groaned tiredly putting his head in his hands. "I'm sorry Sam;" he said when he saw his brother's disapproving look "I'm just so tired."

"I am too Dean!" Sam said harshly, but he softened when he saw the broken look in his brother's eyes. "Sorry Dean. The doctor said that it might be best to let Bobby go. They are gonna do all that they can but there isn't much that they can do. The doctor basically said Bobby's fate is in the hands of God, just not in those exact words."

"Like that asshole cares; he hasn't cared about anyone since he left. And you know that Fate isn't too great herself!" Dean said wincing slightly as the pain moved closer to his abdomen.

"Dean, he'll be fine. I mean its Bobby where talking about, he doesn't give up without a fight. Is he going be receiving a divine miracle, no, but that doesn't need stop us from having hope. I mean maybe Crowley will pull through for him. He seemed real serious when he said that he was going to Death for help." Sam said moving closer to his brother

Dean stood up shaking his head slightly. "Sam it doesn't work that way around us! Everyone that we know and love seems to die and we can't do anything to stop it! I hate this!" Dean said angrily pulling at his hair "I don't want to lose Bobby but we need to prepare ourselves for that to happen because it's only a matter of time before we lose him too. Crowley is never going to get Death to budge; he is such a stubborn son-of-a-bitch. This just means that Bobby will follow Mom, Dad, Ellen, Jo, Rufus and… Cas." Dean whispered the last name

"Dean…" Sam said standing to put his hand on his brother's shoulder. Dean shrugged him off and turned to face the wall, but not before Sam saw the guilt in his eyes. Dean was taking the guilt of all their friend's deaths upon himself again.

"I'm going to get coffee" Dean said gruffly as he moved out of the waiting room. He wanted to get it from somewhere else, not this crap the trauma ward had.

"Dean…" Sam said again "just… be safe." He whispered the last part as he watched his older brother walk down the hallway, so broken and fragile.

()()()

Dean yanked open the door to the van and gracelessly got in to the driver's seat. He leaned over the steering wheel to afraid to turn around; afraid he would see Bobby bleeding again. He could feel the tears on the edges of his eyes. Dean suddenly gripped the steering wheel tightly as another sharp pain hit him. It passed quickly and Dean felt he was ready to get out of here. He didn't know where he was going he just wanted to drive.

Dean sped along the highway not paying any attention to where was, he just kept moving. The noise the engine made was calming his heart and clearing his head. When Dean finally stopped driving it was only because he was almost out of gas. He pulled over at a gas station that had a coffee shop attached, when Dean started looking at license plates he realized that he had made it to a completely different state. He hadn't even notice that he crossed state lines.

As Dean filled up the gas tank the pains in his back and abdomen returned. He grit his teeth and gripped the pump tightly. After the gas tank was full Dean decided he would actually get some coffee and maybe a little bite to eat. He had to get back to the trauma ward after all.

()()()

In the coffee shop there was a small line, but Dean decided he was fine with waiting. But as he stood there he started to get really warm, sweat began to drip down his neck and suddenly the conversation that the two women in front of him were having seemed a hundred miles away. Dean felt the man behind him touch his arm and he vaguely heard the man ask him if he was okay. As he was about to answer he was gripped by a huge wave of nausea and his knees began to buckle, suddenly Dean was falling forward into unconsciousness.

()()()

When he woke, Dean realized that he was in a moving vehicle with blaring sirens. He was in an ambulance. "What's going on?" Dean asked as he tried to sit up, only to be pushed back down.

"You passed ma'am,” one of the EMT said

"Ma'am?" Dean asked angrily

"My sister prefers miss,” said the man sitting next to him who was holding his hand.

"What?" Dean was completely confused "Who are you?" he asked the man ripping his hand from his grip

"Your brother, Sam" the man who was definitely not Sam said. All Dean could do was stare at the man dumbfounded

"Could you answer some questions miss?” the second EMT asked

Dean ignored the miss part and asked "Yeah, but who are you guys?"

"I'm Jonah" the first EMT answered

"I'm Elliott" the other EMT answered

Dean nodded and said, "Fire away."

"What's your name?" Elliott asked

Dean needed to think on his feet for a good alias. "Deanna Campbell" Dean blurted out

"How old are you?" Elliott asked as he wrote something on a clipboard

"32" Dean said

"Alright, she seems to know those things" Jonah said handing the Sam imposter an ID. The man who called himself Sam placed it into the duffel at his feet.

"Hey, that's mine." Dean said defiantly

"Yeah, it is." the Sam imposter said. Dean finally took the time to look at him; he had short blonde hair and dark green eyes. He also had stubble that told Dean he hadn't shaved today. All Dean could think about was what this man could possibly want.

While Dean inspected the man posing as his brother, the EMTs shared a worried look. "How have you been feeling in the last couple of days?" Jonah asked getting Dean's attention back.

"I've had a little pain in my back and abdomen the last couple of hours but fine other than that." Dean answered truthfully. After Dean had answered another one of the pains overtook him. He couldn't stop the small groan that passed through his lips. He was annoyed when the EMTs shared a knowing look.

"Is it possible that you're pregnant?" Elliott asked as gently as possible

"What? NO!" Dean yelled, "Are you kidding? Is this funny to you?" Dean began to rant

"Calm down, Deanna" Jonah said as the ambulance came to a stop and someone one opened the back doors.

Dean was unloaded and rolled into the hospital, as he groaned in pain again. This was getting annoying these pains were happening more and more frequently. Dean ignored the doctor barking orders for tests to needed to be run. Dean sat up once attention had turned away from him. As soon as he was upright Dean's body decided then was a good time to black out. The last thing that Dean thought was, 'maybe I should have stayed down.'

()()()

When Dean woke again he was in a stark white room, with a motherly looking nurse standing over him. "Hello Dean" she muttered as Dean grimaced in pain. The short, stout brunette woman gently stroked his hair and the pain faded in a way similar to Castiel's healing methods.

"Who are you?" Dean asked trying to scoot away. Her nametag read Martha but Dean highly doubted that was whom she actually was.

"Haniel, my father sent me to ensure that this baby would be born alive to give you some time with her." Haniel said putting something in the IV

"Wait, what?" Dean said confused as Haniel smoothed a hand over his stomach.

"You carry a child, a nephilim, but she has been marked too beautiful for Earth. Father, who has returned to Heaven, wants to give you time with her." Haniel whispered as two doctors walked in

"Hello Miss Campbell, I am Dr. Gabriel,” said the tall blond woman "I will be delivering you baby and this is Dr. Rosenberg." She said indicating the short brunette man standing next to her. "He is a top neonatologist. We need to deliver this child now since you are awake but we need you to finish filling out the forms first. Your brother already started them but there were a few details that need to be filled in."

"Already done" Haniel said pulling a clipboard, with already filled out papers, out of thin air.

"Good then we will have her moved to operating room." Dr. Gabriel said before she and Dr. Rosenberg were engulfed in a bright white light. Haniel put her hands over Dean's eyes to block out the brightness. When she let go Dean noticed that the floor was scorched.

"Kushiel?" Haniel asked looking at Dr. Gabriel

"Yep" she said nodding

"Hey, don't forget Maalik" Dr. Rosenberg's body said speaking in third person

"Don't they need permission to do that?" Dean asked Haniel pointing to the bodies now filled with angels.

"They got permission from them earlier." The motherly angel pointed at Dr. Gabriel and began "Maxine Gabriel, she just got out of an abusive relationship. She made a promise to God that day that she would do anything to prove her gratitude." She then pointed at Dr. Rosenberg and said "John Rosenberg, he has been doubting his faith and asked that God prove his existence to him in any way."

Dean nodded while he observed the arguing angels. He would have observed them longer but he doubled over groaning at the worsening pain in his abdomen, the reason for these pains had not fully sunken in yet. Before Dean knew it all three of the angels were at his side. "We need to do this now." Kushiel said grabbing hold of Dean's arm and popping into the operating room.

"Where did Samael get off to?" Haniel asked when she popped into the room "He said that he was going to go talk to father about two hours ago and he didn't come back."

"He just popped in behind you." Maalik said as he helped Kushiel get all of the tools ready, Dean was terrified that they wouldn't put him under first. He was also curious as to who this Samael was.

"Hello Dean," the blonde man from the ambulance said leaning down by Dean's head.

"It's you!" Dean said, pointing an accusing finger at the angel in question. "You're the Sammy imposter from the ambulance."

"Yes Dean, I am Samael but you can call me Sam if you prefer. And I am your guardian angel. I have watched over you since the day that you were born." He said brushing his fingers through Dean's sweaty hair. "I know that all of this hasn't quite… settled in yet, but in a short amount of time you are going to be a parent. Now, I am going to put you to sleep through the C-section and I will make sure that you don't feel a thing. But I need you to trust me to do this." Samael said tentatively.

Dean was hesitant but finally he nodded and let the angel put his fingers on his temple. Dean fell quickly into a deep sleep.

()()()

When Dean awoke he was lying in a meadow. The grass was bright green, the sky was a clear blue and there were little yellow flowers poking up all around. Dean felt content to sit and bask in the warmth the sunlight provided. Everything seemed so calm and peace that Dean knew it couldn't last.

"Hello Dean" a familiar rasping voice said

Dean closed his eyes and continued to point his head to the sky. "Hi Cas" he whispered

"You know we need to talk and this is the most pleasant dream you have had with me in it, so I thought this would be the best time." Castiel said and Dean could hear the sadness in the voice that had always comforted him. Dean tried but could not look at Castiel despite his inherent need to.

"I know we need to talk Cas but it hurts me too much. I have felt so bad since you died in that water, since the Leviathans took your body for their own." He sighed heavily finally looking at his angel who had tears in his eyes.

Castiel stared at him with remorse and his guilt was almost tangible. Castiel was crying and Dean realized quickly that he was to. "I'm sorry for everything I have done to you Dean. I can never be forgiven for what I've done. My father will forever hate me and I'm sure you will too. I know you'll never forgive me, but for this one moment we try?" Castiel asked hanging his head

Dean stared at the fallen angel, his fallen friend. In his heart he knew he had to forgive him. Everything that happened over the past couple weeks was killing him, slowly, and Dean couldn't take it anymore. "Cas, I forgave you the minute I held your coat my hands." Tears were streaming down Dean's face as he continued. "That jacket, sitting in my bag, has weighed on my heart every minute since the day you died." Finally Dean couldn't take it anymore; he grabbed the angel and held him tight to his body. He kissed his former lover reveling in the taste that he's missed for so long.

"Dean, we still need to talk. You're having this baby tonight and she's not going to make it more than a few hours." Cas said still holding Dean close

"Cas, this isn't funny, it's not funny in the real world and it's not funny in my dreams. I am a man! I can't have a kid! I don't have the right parts for that to work." Dean said glaring at his angel

Cas gave Dean his customary head tilt. "You do understand that you slept with an angel. And that means anything can happen. Angels have been getting men pregnant while in male vessels since the dawn of mankind. I thought you would know this."

"What made you think that?" Dean yelled, he was annoyed at being left out of this loop that all of the angel seem to be on

"You guys seemed to know so much that I thought wasn't necessary." Cas said in his oblivious little way.

"Ugh fine! What did you want to talk about so badly?" Dean said exasperatedly

"You need to learn to trust again." It was a command not a suggestion and that made Dean squirm. "Not only that, you also need to stop feeling so guilty. It's not your fault I died... I was the idiot. I don't want what I did to weigh heavy on your conscience. I was the one who trusted demon and for that I deserve the punishment I received." Castiel said with a solemn face

Dean didn't to know what to say, so he changed his subject. "Who are these angels that brought me to the operating room?"

"They all are some of Heaven's best healers, sent to you to ensure that our daughter would have a few hours with you before returning Heaven." Castiel answered wrapping his arms around Dean.

"What about Samael? I always thought that you were my guardian angel." Dean said cuddling into the warmth that Castiel was providing.

"I told you Dean, I was raised a warrior. Samael was raised a guardian. You are not his first ward and you will not be his last, but he has watched over you for your whole life… until you went to Hell. After you had gone to Hell you became… mine. I marked your soul that day, not purposely, but it happened. Samael left you in my care until I went back to Heaven. He decided to go back to being your guardian." Castiel said kissing Dean's temple gently.

Dean nodded but didn't respond verbally. Dean was content to just lay with his head in Castiel's lap. They lay together, basking in the sunlight, for what felt like hours. Dean would have gladly stayed like that forever but he knew that reality would always catch up with him. So it didn't come as much of surprise when Castiel said "Dean you are going to wake up shortly."

"I don't wanna" Dean whined burying his face into Castiel's chest

"But you need to, for our daughter." Cas said kissing the top of Dean's head.

"Right, we didn't talk about names. Cas, what am I going to name her?" Dean asked looking horrified

"Anything you like. My only suggestion is that you stay away from biblical names." Castiel said with a soft laugh.

"Alright" Dean said as he smiled slightly at his angelic lover

"And Dean…" Castiel said as if he remembered something important

"Yeah Cas?" Dean asked concern etched in his face

"Forgive Samael, he only did it to protect you." That was the last thing Cas said before Dean was pulled back into reality.

()()()

"Welcome back sleepy head" Haniel's voice came from beside him

"Mmhm" Dean mumbled opening his eyes to look at the motherly angel. He had been moved back to the original room it seemed

"There is someone that wants to meet you." When Haniel said that Dean noticed the very tiny bundle in her arms. "One pound, four ounces, 13.2 inches, ten fingers, ten toes but she was only part of the way done. You were only in the 25th week, that's near the end of the second trimester." Haniel handed the baby to Dean.

Dean looked at the tiny infant in his arms. "She's beautiful,” he whispered

He looked up when he heard crying. Haniel had tears dripping down her face. "I'm sorry. The problem with babies delivered at 25 weeks is they only have about a 50% chance to live." she whispered, "I'm so sorry"

"When do I have to give her up?" Dean asked rubbing his daughter's red cheek. He could feel the tears welling up behind his eyes.

"I'll give you two hours" a voice came from the door.

Dean looked up and saw Tessa leaning on the doorframe. "Tessa" he said with a soft laugh

"I was the only one that God thought would let you have some time with your baby." Tessa said walking into the room. Haniel looked between the two who were talking and then popped out of the room to give them some privacy. "My orders are to take her right now, but I can't do that to you. I can give you two hours before the natural order is thrown out of whack, especially since she has only been attended to by angels."

Dean nodded and whispered "Thank you Tessa." The reaper smiled at him before walking out of the room.

After the door had closed Dean let the dam break. He curled around his daughter, cradling her as the sobs wracked his body. "I'm sorry baby, it's my fault. Oh God!" Dean said with a watery laugh "I haven't even named you yet, have I?" Dean asked his tiny daughter as he counted the fingers on her right hand.

Dean looked at the tiny, flushed baby. He took in the tiny amount of hair she had; it was blonde. She was so tiny; the diaper she had on seemed to engulf half of her body and the pink blanket she was swaddle in was also top long for her tiny body. Dean found that he took comfort in her tiny heartbeat beneath his fingertips and the irregular puffs of air that she let out. That was when Dean realized that he was holding his premature baby, weren't they supposed to be in those plastic box things. "Haniel?" Dean called tentatively

The motherly angel popped back into the room, her eyes were red-rimmed as if she had been crying. "Yes Dean?" she asked patting Dean's arm gently.

"I was wondering, why she isn't in one of those… plastic box things?" Dean asked looking at the tiny figure cradled to his chest.

"Well… because she is a nephilim she is unlike any other preemie. If she were a normal preemie you would be over-stimulating her just through talking to her and not to mention touching her. She is so much stronger than another preemie and if her name hadn't been placed on a reaper's list she would be able to heal herself." Haniel explained as she ran her fingers through Dean's hair

Dean sat up slightly, shifting his still unnamed daughter in his arms. "Then why was she on the reaper's list?" Dean asked

"There was a mistake in Heaven; she was marked as too 'beautiful for Earth'. That means that she was not going to live very long." Haniel said sitting down next to Dean

"What do you mean a mistake?" Dean asked angrily

"Just about every angel who writes in the book-" Haniel stated before she was cut off

"What book?" Dean asked

"The book of Life is the record of every human's birth-date and death-date. There are angels who record everything. One of these angels was asked to watch over your area while the superior talked to our father. This angel saw your stress levels spike to the point where a human would miscarry/go into labor. Not know the child was a nephilim, she wrote too beautiful for Earth next to her name. Your daughter should have been a stillborn but Tessa said she wouldn't take her until you had two hours with her." Haniel said sitting down next to Dean. Dean felt the tears begin to fall again –everything bad always seemed to happen to him. Haniel saw this as an excuse to change the subject and jumped on it. "So, have you named her yet?" she asked putting a hand on the newborn's head.

"No, I don't know what would fit her." Dean said wiping his eyes carefully so as to not jostle his daughter. "I wish I had someone that could help me."

"I can help if you want?" Haniel said with a shrug. Suddenly she started grinning, "Hang on one second I just had a great idea,” she said just before she popped away.

"That was strange, wasn't it?" Dean said nuzzling his and Castiel's daughter. He rubbed her back slightly. She moved her fingers slightly and Dean kissed each of them. He was trying to memorize every last detail of her while she was still with him. Dean watched his daughter sleep for about a half an hour before Haniel came back.

"I'm back!" the angel said breathlessly "I had to pull some strings but…" she paused and smiled at Dean "I brought you some visitors."

Haniel motioned to the door and Dean tried to get a look at who was walking in. He gasped as he saw Ellen walk through the door. She came up nest to Haniel and put a hand on her shoulder. "Thanks for bringing me Hani." Then she turned her attention to Dean. "How you doing Dean?"

"Ellen" Dean said in shock

"Yeah, it's me" She said hugging him –while trying not to squish the tiny baby still cradled in his arms. After she let go of Dean she looked at the door and said, "There's someone else who wants to see you too. Come on in!"

"Mom" Dean whispered when his mother walked into the room

"Hello sweetie" Mary Winchester said as she walked into room.

Haniel moved over to Dean and took the baby out of his arms, fearing he may drop her out of shock. Maybe she should have told him that he brought his mothers –because Ellen was just like a mother to him –down to help him name his daughter. After the baby was safely in the angel's arm Mary wrapped her arms around her son in tight hug. "Oh Dean" she said wiping the tears that had started to stream down Dean's cheeks again. Mary gently rocked her son as she held him to her chest and kissed the top of his head.

"Mom… Ellen" Dean said grabbing one of his mom's hands before grabbing one of Ellen's hands.

"You said you wished that you had someone to help you name this little one." Haniel said before the tiny girl began crying quietly.

Dean held his arms out and Haniel settled his daughter into them. "Thank you" he whispered

"You're welcome,” she said before she popped out of the room

Dean looked back down at his daughter who had quieted down once she was in his arms again. "Well baby, meet Grandma and Ellen. Ellen was just like another mom to me." He said to his daughter, as the tears began again. "You'll be with them in Heaven soon."

Mary and Ellen looked at Dean sympathetically. "Honey, why don't we think of a name for her?" Mary asked putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but where do I start?" Dean asked nuzzling his daughter gently

"Well, what names do you think of when you look at her?" Ellen asked

"I don't know." Dean said stroking his daughter's cheek "I think most of Cas' family are dicks, so I don't want to name her after any of them. Then there's our family but most of them hold too many painful memories or they've betrayed us. Do you have any suggestions?" Dean asked

"Well, Bill and I had always discussed having more kids after Jo." Ellen started "We had thought about the names Rose or Katherine."

Dean shook his head and said "Rose was a vengeful ghost who took over the Impala," Mary smiled a little at this, Dean and his damn car. "And Katherine seems a little common. I want something special for my half angel baby."

"Your father wanted to name you Alicia if you were a girl." Mary threw out

"No, it's okay but she just doesn't look like an Alicia." Dean said looking at his daughter. Mary and Ellen looked at her an shook their heads as well.

"How about Gabrielle?" Ellen asked "Or Jessica?"

"I am not name her after that stupid archangel-trickster or…" he paused looking at his daughter sadly "Sam's late girlfriend."

"Rebecca?" Mary asked with a sad smile "Isabella?"

"Becky and Bela were two very different types of crazy and not to mention Becky's Sam's first ex-wife." Dean said

"Well, if you were a girl… I had picked out a name…" Mary started

"What was it?" Dean asked looking at his mother

"It's nothing… your father thought it wasn't a good name,” Mary said with a wave of her hand

"What's the name Mom?" Dean asked

"Amara," she whispered, "it means eternal or unfading."

"Amara…" Dean said looking at his daughter again. "What do you think?" he asked her, she made a tiny mewling noise. Dean took that to mean that she liked the name.

Ellen smiled and reached out hand to stroke Amara's head. "Amara Destiny Winchester?" she asked Dean "For the destiny, you screwed over with her daddy's help

"Amara Destiny Winchester…" Dean nodded slowly "Yeah, I like that." Dean said before he dissolved into tears again, he only had a little over an hour left with his daughter.

"Honey" Mary said taking her son into her arms and rocking him gently

"Stay with me" Dean begged the two women who were with him

"Until God has to drag us back,” Ellen said fiercely

()()()

Mary and Ellen stayed with Dean for the remainder of his time with Amara. They spent the time letting Dean talk and memorize his infant daughter. Mary's heart was breaking as she watched her baby lose his baby. Ellen had watched her daughter die and knew the pain of a child dying but not this soon. The two women tried to comfort Dean the best they could but he was so tired of losing people that it wasn't working.

"I'm sorry Dean." Tessa said as she walked back into the room

"Why can I see you?" Dean asked coming to a realization.

Tessa ignored the question and looked inquisitively at Mary and Ellen. The pair looked at Dean to see that he had curled himself around Amara. "We are going to be right out in the hall Dean, okay?" Mary said, as she and Ellen stood up.

"Okay" Dean said shakily. Mary and Ellen went and stood outside the door.

"I'm sorry, I have to do this Dean, and you know that." Tessa said sadly running her fingers through Dean's hair.

"I know" Dean said through tears "Can I just say goodbye?"

"Yeah" Tessa said pity in her every glance. She walked out of the room to stand with Mary and Ellen.

After Tessa had left Dean pulled Amara to his chest. He cuddled around her and cried trying not to get her wet with his tears. "Oh Amara," he started "first your daddy went and now you." All of the loss that Dean had experienced lately came crashing down upon him and he started to cry even harder. "I don't want to lose you. God back to Heaven and then he decided that he wants you back." He said through tears, his entire body shaking angrily. "I wish I could take your place." Dean whispered kissing her forehead, her nose, her cheek and her fingers. "I love you, my baby, my little Amara Destiny Winchester." Dean continued to hold her to his body as he cried. He didn't even notice Tessa walk back in.

"I really need to take her Dean." Tessa said

"I know" Dean said as Tessa moved to pick Amara up. She picked the newborn up and she had her soul in her arms. Dean closed his eyes momentarily; the baby in his arms no longer had a heartbeat and was no longer breathing.

"I'm sorry, but we can't have a repeat of what happened to Hilary and Jolene. I mean it's like Hilary said-" Tessa started only for Dean to cut her off

"I know, it's not fair." Dean said looking at his daughter's spirit in Tessa's arms

"We really should be off." Tessa said

"You know what's ironic?" Dean asked Tessa, she shook her head and Dean laughed mirthlessly. "I went from being a motherless child to childless mother." Dean said; Tessa gave him one last pitying look before she kissed his cheek and walked out of the room with Amara.

"Goodbye" she said to Dean, he only nodded

The next ten minutes Dean didn't really know what happened. He remembered a crying Haniel taking Amara's lifeless body. He remembered being told that she needed to be cremated because of the angelic blood in her body. He remembered Ellen and his mother hugging him and trying to get him to acknowledge that they were there. He didn't become aware of reality until Haniel press something into his hands. It was a tiny marble urn; it had a baby angel with its wings wrapped around itself on top and a brass plate that had her name and date of birth on it.

Haniel then turned to Mary and Ellen and said, "My father will be pulling you two back up in about ten minutes, I'm sorry that I could get you more time."

"That's alright" Ellen said stroking Dean's hair, as Mary rocked him gently. Haniel popped out to give the women their last few minutes with Dean alone.

"Why don't I sing you a song?" Mary suggested. Dean nodded against her chest, the urn still clasped tightly in his hands. Mary began to sing a song Dean didn't recognize but he felt his heart clench when she sang the chorus:

_There must be Borrowed Angels, here in this life_

_They come along, into this world, and make this world bright_

_They can't stay forever, cause they're heaven sen_

_t And sometimes, heaven needs them back again_

By the time Mary had finished singing Dean had cried himself to sleep. Ellen placed the urn on the bedside table. Haniel popped back into the room and sheepishly asked "Are you two ready?"

Ellen ran her fingers through Dean's hair again and kissed his temple. "Be strong and let people in." she whispered to Dean, then turning her attention to Haniel "Now, I am" she said

Mary stroked her eldest child's face and kissed his cheek. "Take care of yourself, don't let this break you. I love you baby." She kissed his cheek one more time and the then nodded at Haniel. The three of them disappeared as they made their way back to Heaven.

()(Two weeks later)()

It had been two weeks since Amara had died. Dean still hadn't left the hospital because they had moved him to the psychiatric ward. Dean hadn't spoken since Tessa walked out of the room with Amara. In fact he hadn't eaten much either, he had already dropped quite a bit of weight. The doctors –who still saw him as a woman –were sending him to group counseling and a private therapist. Hell, they had even put him on anti-depressants. Still, Dean couldn't be bothered to care, that went for anything it seemed. It had been two weeks since he had talked to or seen Sam and Bobby. He realized he was finally broken beyond repair. Broken by a little girl he hadn't known for much more than two hours.

"Hey Dean" Samael said as he walked into the room; he had started to visit the day after Amara died. He had brought Dean's duffel with him.

Dean nodded at the angel as he curled into a tighter ball on the bed, Castiel's coat draped over him and Amara's ashes in his hands. This was what most days were for Dean –when he wasn't in therapy.

Haniel popped in, her shift must've ended, and sat next to Dean on the bed. "How are we today?" she asked Dean as she rubbed his back. Dean barely acknowledged her. Haniel patted his back gently. "Come on sit up." She said helping Dean into a sitting position. She pushed a tray of food towards him and said "Eat." The food wasn't bad Haniel made the food better than actual hospital food. Haniel made Dean eat about half before he was allowed to be done.

Samael had been sitting there patiently while Dean ate. "Hey I brought you a notepad and a pen today!" he told Dean excitedly. Even though he could read Dean pretty well it hurt Haniel that most of their conversations were one-sided. "I thought maybe you could write what you want to say on it." Samael added helpfully.

Dean cocked, his head in a very Castiel-esque way, and then it seemed as though something dawned on him. He began to scribble frantically. Samael tried to get a look at what he was writing but Dean blocked it. When he was finished Dean held the note, it said: **What did you do that I need to forgive you for?**

Samael felt his heart drop, he couldn't answer that. Haniel saw the panic setting into Samael's features. "You need to tell him. Do it now it will hurt him no matter what." She said sitting next to Dean and taking his hands in hers.

"I'm sorry Dean" Samael whispered before he began his story. "After the apocalypse was stopped Castiel came back Heaven. Now, most guardians didn't get involved because they had people to protect but I had to. Castiel and Raphael's battle was getting messy and Castiel was losing, he needed help."

Dean nodded, he knew that was when Crowley stepped in and Cas made a deal with the devil.

"Well, the first person my brother went to for help… was going to be…" Samael stopped

"Come on Sam" Haniel said throwing an arm around Dean's shoulders, his hand still in her free hand.

"You, he was going to you for help." Samael stopped and bit his lip. Dean looked at him in confusion and Haniel motioned for him to continue. "But I stopped him." Dean's eyes got very wide "You were with Lisa; you no longer owed anything to Heaven." Samael said in his defense "I told Castiel if he tried to get near you, without your permission, again that I would tell Raphael where he was. The next day…" Samael was close to tears. Dean was already crying tears of anger and Haniel was holding his shaking body in a calming embrace. "The next day… he made… the next day he made a deal with Crowley. It all snowballed there." Samael said looking at Dean.

Dean was crying as Haniel gently rocked him. He only stopped to write something down on the notepad. Under his first question he had written: **I HATE YOU! YOU TOOK MY CAS AWAY FROM ME!**

Samael looked at Dean crying in Haniel's arms and said "I'm gonna go"

"I think that's for the best" Haniel whispered as she cradled the sobbing man until he fell into a fitful sleep. Haniel shook her head sadly and ran her fingers through Dean's greasy hair. She would make sure that he showered tomorrow, she wasn't sure his actual nurse had. Haniel gave Dean one last look before she turned off the lights and popped out of the room.

()()()

Dean was woken up the next morning by his nurse Gloria, or was it Georgia –you know what, what did he care. The nurse hand him his anti-depressants and then she tried to coax him into taking a shower. Dean caved and went to take the shower.

As he cleaned himself he thought back to last night. Cas hadn't come to him because he had been threatened. It wasn't fair; Dean had blamed everything on him. Why hadn't Cas told him the truth? Dean shook head and stepped out of the shower. The one thing that Dean took solace in was that Cas had wanted to come to him.

"Deanna Campbell" Dean's psychiatrist said as he walked into the room. "Your brother has finished all the paper work. You can go home today." Dean looked at the doctor confused for a minute before he remembered that Samael had been pretending to be his brother.

Dean changed out of the seats that the hospital supplied and into a set of clean clothes from his duffel. Haniel popped into the room after he had finished changing. "Hey Dean" she said, smiling brightly. "Going home today, that's so exciting, huh?" Dean nodded with a little smile.

"Hey, ready to go?" Samael asked as he walked into the room cautiously. Dean nodded as he threw Castiel's coat on. After the coat was on he threw his duffel over one of his shoulder and then he took Amara's urn from Haniel.

Haniel turned him around to face and hugged him tightly. "I'm gonna miss you" she said and the in his ear she whispered "Samael was only trying to protect you, please try to forgive." As she let go Dean nodded a little. "See you around" she said stroking his cheek

"Let's go Dean" Samael said "I have to go fill your prescriptions, alright?" Dean nodded

The pair walked down toward the pharmacy and got Dean's prescriptions filled. Then they went up to the lobby. Dean noticed someone on the main staircase. It was a woman in her wedding dress, she looked lost. Dean almost sent Samael to see what was wrong, but then Tessa came up next to her. Dean realized that this bride must've died and Tessa was here to take her away.

Tessa noticed Dean and looked surprised that he was staring at her. She said something to the bride before walking over to where he had stopped. "Dean?" she said looking at him with concern "You can seem me?" Dean nodded. Tessa looked concerned. "Is he alright?" she asked Samael

"Yeah, he hasn't spoken since you left the room with Amara." Samael said looking at Dean "We have tried to get him to speak, he just won't."

"Dean" Tessa said hugging him "Get better, promise?" Once Dean had nodded Tessa kissed his cheek and went back to the bride. "Bye" she said over her shoulder

()()()

Samael insisted that they drive instead of just popping to the trauma ward. Dean was beginning to think that guardians were way less powerful than even the soldiers. Dean ignored Samael the entire ride, he still couldn't believe he had forced Castiel away from him. Dean curled up in the passenger seat and decided to check his phone. There were innumerable texts and voicemails all from Sam, all Dean did was turn off his phone.

As the time passed Dean wrapped Cas' coat tighter around his body. Putting his head against the window, Dean allowed the noise of the Ford's engine lull him to sleep.

()()()

Dean awoke in the same meadow as the last time he dreamt of Cas. The difference was there was a slight, anti-depressant induced, haze around everything and Cas was standing there waiting for him.

"Hello Dean" he said with a smile. Dean smiled back at him but didn't say anything. "You know that you can talk to me, right?" he asked

"Why didn't you tell me the truth?" Dean asked, his voice was scratchy from disuse

"About Samael?" Cas asked, Dean nodded. "I didn't think it would matter to you. I betrayed your trust by working with a demon." Cas said

"I was too harsh" Dean said with tears in his eyes "We've all made our deals with demons, in fact Bobby's deal was with Crowley too. I was an asshole, I'm so sorry." Dean had begun to cry –he blamed everything piling up at once –so Castiel pulled him tight to his body.

"Dean, stop blaming yourself." Castiel said in his most commanding voice. Dean looked up at him and kissed him. "One more thing, you need to start trusting again. You felt comfortable around Haniel and you like her, but you wouldn't trust her. I want you to try and trust again, it kills me to know that I caused this." Cas said kissing Dean again

"I try for you Cas." Dean said against his angel's lips

"Will you also try to forgive Samael?" Cas asked

"You said one more thing, not two." Dean teased half-heartedly

"Well then I have three things I guess." Castiel smiled back

"Alright what's the third?" Dean asked, even though he suspected he already knew.

"Start talking again and not just in your head." Cas said kissing Dean again

Yep he had known. "Cas, it's not that I don't want to it's just that I physically can't seem to do it." Dean said

"Just try, for me?" Cas said holding Dean closer

"I'll try everything for you" Dean said kissing Castiel one final time before he was woken up.

()()()

Dean woke with a start feeling a little disappointed. "Sorry" Samael mutter as he continued to try and park. Dean just rolled his eyes and waited until Samael gave up and moved the car with his angel mojo.

Samael got out of the car but Dean continued to sit and stare out the front window blindly. "Coming?" Samael asked, opening Dean's door. Dean looked up at Samael contemplatively.

Dean grabbed his notepad and pen again. Samael looked at him in confusion as he scribbled something. Dean took a deep breath and turned the notepad so that Samael could read: **I can't forgive you right now, but I will try because Castiel would want me to.**

"Thank you" Samael said with a smile.

The pair walked through the doors of into the trauma ward. As they walked by the nurses' station Dean accidentally bumped into one of the doctors. "Sorry" the doctor muttered, helping Dean up.

Dean tried to say sorry and it was his fault but the words wouldn't come out. Then Samael came to his rescue "I'm sorry, he can't speak." He said holding Dean up, as Dean's fatigued body tried to drop to the ground again.

"Are you alright?" the doctor asked noticing Dean swaying slightly. Dean nodded as Samael held him up.

"Yeah, his anti-depressants make him tired." Samael said

"Oh" the doctor said "Are you here to see someone?" he asked

"Yeah, is there a Bobby Singer around here?" Samael asked, trying to help Dean regain his balance.

"Yes, he's one of my patients. That man is lucky to be alive; Heaven must be on his side." The doctor said eyeing Dean cautiously.

"Or Hell" Samael whispered to Dean, who laughed. He turned to the doctor and asked "Could you let us know where his room is?"

"Yeah, no problem" the Doctor said still watching Dean cautiously "I'll take you there."

"Thank you" Samael said. As the doctor began to move Dean pushed up himself off of Samael. Dean's pride was the only reason that he tried to walk on his own. Samael caught him as he fell backwards.

"Are you sure that he's okay?" the Doctor asked as Samael put an arm around Dean's waist.

"He's fine; I swear it's just his new anti-depressants." Samael said motioning for the doctor to continue walking

"Alright then" the doctor said. Samael followed the doctor, while holding Dean up. They walked down a few corridors before the doctor stopped in front of room 122. "Well here's the room." The doctor said turning to Dean and Samael.

Samael was about to thank the doctor when a voice from inside the room said "Oh, I think that's Dr. Roberts. I need to talk to him for a minute." Dean gawked at Crowley as he stepped out of the room. Crowley looked a Dean with surprise. "Well you weren't who I was expecting to see." He said to Dean, and then he turned to the doctor and asked "When you moving my husband out of here?"

"We will move him out tonight, Mr. Singer. He will be at the rehab center by 6 tonight." Dr. Roberts said to Crowley. Dean clung tighter to Samael, he was so confused.

"Good, now I need to talk to my nephews." Crowley said turning to look at Dean and Samael.

"Of course" Dr. Roberts said before he began walking away.

Once the doctor was out of sight Crowley turned to Dean and Samael. "Dean, I'm sorry about your loss." Then he asked Samael "Who are you, you're not one of the angels that I have met so far."

"I am Samael, Dean's guardian angel." Then he paused as if contemplating what Crowley had just said. "Wait… you knew that he was pregnant?" Samael asked tightening his grip on Dean's waist, as he felt the man sliding.

"Not initially but once he was in labor I realized what was going on." Crowley said

"And what's with this Mr. Singer crap?" Samael asked

"Well, I needed to be Bobby's primary caregiver, so I told the doctors that I was his partner, his husband." Crowley said to Samael, and then looking at Dean he said "Why are you so quiet?"

Dean looked at Crowley before turning his attention to Samael. "Dean hasn't spoken since Tessa took Amara away." Samael said as Dean pushed himself off of the angel.

"Is that really why?" Crowley asked. Dean nodded before he moved toward the door. Just as Dean was about to open the door, it swung open.

"Dean?" Sam whispered looking at his brother, who he had knocked to the ground.

Samael went and helped him up again. "Just can't stay on our feet today, huh Dean?" he asked teasingly.

Dean ignored his in favor of staring at his brother. Sam stared at him in turn before pulling him into a tight hug. "Where have you been?" Dean hugged him back but said nothing but not for lack of trying. "Seriously Dean it's been two weeks, where have you been?"

Samael stepped in and answered, "He's been in the hospital."

"Who are you?" Sam asked hostilely

"I am Samael, Dean's guardian angel." Samael answered

"I thought that…" Sam started

"No, Castiel wasn't his guardian angel." Samael said with a roll of his eyes

"Why are you answering for Dean?" Sam asked looking at his older brother

"He hasn't spoken for a while, so the Dean's doctors thought it was a mental problem. He has a number of anti-depressants in his duffel in the car." Samael said

"He's wearing Cas' coat." Sam said realization dawning upon him

"Don't ask" Samael said watching Crowley walk back into Bobby's room. Dean yawned and leaned against his brother. "Still tired?" Samael asked Dean, he nodded. "Maybe you should take him to where ever you are staying, the anti-depressants make him tired." Samael said to Sam

"Yeah, alright" Sam said, "I'm just going to let him see Bobby first."

"Alright," Samael said tossing Sam his car keys "Here these are to the black Ford Fusion in the parking lot. Your duffel, along with Dean and Bobby's are all in there. Oh, and the van was confiscated by the police one state over when they found all the weapons in the back."

"Thanks" Sam said before Samael popped away

Sam walked Dean into Bobby's room. Sam waited while Bobby went between calling Dean irresponsible to idjit. In was an hour before Sam walked Dean out to the car. Sam put Dean in the passenger seat and then got into the driver's seat. The whole drive Sam babbled about how Crowley had helped so much, how he had gotten the doctor's to put Bobby in a rehab hospital and how he had gotten Sam a rental house to stay in. Dean just tuned his brother out, as he stared out the window. All Dean could do was think about what could have been.

 


End file.
